Open letter to the Firefighters Charitable Foundation:
Do not, call me at home during the dinner hour.
Do not call me on weekends.
Do not arrange it so that you appear on caller i.d. as "UNAVAILABLE".
Do not let the phone ring only four times, then hang up just as I reach the phone panting from my jog across my one-acre front yard.
On day 5, or so, when I finally answer the phone in time, do not simply have an uneducated male voice say, "Is Jennifer there?"
When I say she's not available, do not blurt "I'll-call-back-later" and hang-up on me.
In fact, NEVER hang-up on me.
When you call, identify yourself politely.
When I say, because of all the preceding affronts, to put me on your Do Not Call List, do not insult me further by telling me that charitable organizations are not covered by the federal Do Not Call registry. I know that. I'm the lawyer. You're the firefighter. I'm referring to the Do Not Call List that you need to have at your right hand (or better, left) on a sheet of notebook paper. The list of all the people you've ticked off by the aforementioned practices. If it's any easier, just take me off your Do Call List.
When I insist you never call again because I have a policy of never donating to charities who call me on the phone (meaning, in the way you do), do not point out that I've donated before - because I may have just established the policy two seconds ago - in response to your behavior.
And then, DO NOT HANG UP ON ME. When you call me, I get to decide when the call is over!
Finally, I'd like a refund of my previous donation. Have a nice day.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Thursday, July 3, 2008
The Fork Handle Safety Act of 2008
The Legislature recognizes that common citizens frequently use their fork, turned sideways, to cut consumer foodstuffs when resort to employing a knife is not strictly necessary. Cutting of soft foods is common, as well as tender meats. However, some forks are manufactured with cheap metal handles that are so sharp that application of enough force to cut food threatens to cut through one's own hand before the foodstuff parts in the desired spot.
THEREFORE, be it enacted that:
No fork available for sale, lease, or use in the State of Maine may have a handle sharp enough to cut the flesh of the user's hand when employed in a lateral cutting motion.
THEREFORE, be it enacted that:
No fork available for sale, lease, or use in the State of Maine may have a handle sharp enough to cut the flesh of the user's hand when employed in a lateral cutting motion.
Old 470 - Think Big
In Waterville, there is an old steam locomotive called Old 470 on display on College Avenue. I'm not a railroader, but I believe the story is that it was the last steam engine to run in Maine. Anyway, it's looks neat. A local group of preservationists has undertaken in the past to raise funds to maintain and display it. But what saddens me is that it does not run. What would really be great, is to get it running again. A couple of my dreamy ideas:
1) Get some Hollywood filmmaker interested in using it in a movie filmed here in Maine. Then the movie studio moneybags and geniuses could be allowed to use the locomotive with the only charge being that they've got to restore it to running condition.
2) For knowledge in how to machine the parts, etc., necessary to make it go - contact the people who run the Durango-Silverton narrow gauge railroad in Durango, Colorado. They've got several steam engines and their own machine shop for manufacturing replacement parts.
Then Old 470 could really become a tourist (and local) draw if you ran some excursions around the area.
1) Get some Hollywood filmmaker interested in using it in a movie filmed here in Maine. Then the movie studio moneybags and geniuses could be allowed to use the locomotive with the only charge being that they've got to restore it to running condition.
2) For knowledge in how to machine the parts, etc., necessary to make it go - contact the people who run the Durango-Silverton narrow gauge railroad in Durango, Colorado. They've got several steam engines and their own machine shop for manufacturing replacement parts.
Then Old 470 could really become a tourist (and local) draw if you ran some excursions around the area.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Spoon handles.
Spoons and forks should NOT be manufactured with handles so narrow that they slip through the holes in the silverware basket in a dishwasher, blocking the spinning water sprayer.
Mainiac, you say to me, you should put them in head first, not handle first. Well, I retort, that only works for one or two spoons or forks in each slot. After that they nest against each other (the origin of the cuddling term "spooning") and what you get out of the dishwasher is hot, dirty spoons and forks. When cuddling, if you get something hot and dirty out of it, congratulations. With dishes, not so desirable. The water and detergent cannot get in between the nested silverware. Therefore, it's best to put half the load in handle first, half the load head first. Looser fit. Cleaner utensils.
Now, make the bloody handles wider.
Mainiac, you say to me, you should put them in head first, not handle first. Well, I retort, that only works for one or two spoons or forks in each slot. After that they nest against each other (the origin of the cuddling term "spooning") and what you get out of the dishwasher is hot, dirty spoons and forks. When cuddling, if you get something hot and dirty out of it, congratulations. With dishes, not so desirable. The water and detergent cannot get in between the nested silverware. Therefore, it's best to put half the load in handle first, half the load head first. Looser fit. Cleaner utensils.
Now, make the bloody handles wider.
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
The Uniform Female Clothes Sizing Act of 2008
There oughta be a law....
All textiles and shoes produced and marketed for sale to women in the United States shall conform to uniform sizing parameters established by the Surgeon General and based upon objective scales of measurement (such as inches or centimeters). Said sizes shall be uniform across designers, brands, and colors. There shall be one scale running from 0 to 100 in single number increments. A private cause of action shall be created in favor of the female consumer (or male gift-givers) for violations of this act causing emotional harm or psychological disorders, for compensatory damages, including shipping fees, physical and emotional harm (from trying to squeeze into inadequately sized garments or sudden garment failure), loss of consortium, having to sleep on the sofa, and marriage counseling costs, including attorneys fees, court costs, and alcohol expenditures necessary to drown sorrows.
This will:
1) Vastly improve the mental health of the female populace.
2) Vastly improve the mental health of their husbands and boyfriends.
3) Save millions of dollars in misguided purchases and return shipping fees.
4) Make it possible for husbands and boyfriends to buy gifts of clothing for their women without risking a traumatic domestic violence incident.
I expect hearty support from the female congressional delegation - Senators Snowe and Collins, are you listening?
All textiles and shoes produced and marketed for sale to women in the United States shall conform to uniform sizing parameters established by the Surgeon General and based upon objective scales of measurement (such as inches or centimeters). Said sizes shall be uniform across designers, brands, and colors. There shall be one scale running from 0 to 100 in single number increments. A private cause of action shall be created in favor of the female consumer (or male gift-givers) for violations of this act causing emotional harm or psychological disorders, for compensatory damages, including shipping fees, physical and emotional harm (from trying to squeeze into inadequately sized garments or sudden garment failure), loss of consortium, having to sleep on the sofa, and marriage counseling costs, including attorneys fees, court costs, and alcohol expenditures necessary to drown sorrows.
This will:
1) Vastly improve the mental health of the female populace.
2) Vastly improve the mental health of their husbands and boyfriends.
3) Save millions of dollars in misguided purchases and return shipping fees.
4) Make it possible for husbands and boyfriends to buy gifts of clothing for their women without risking a traumatic domestic violence incident.
I expect hearty support from the female congressional delegation - Senators Snowe and Collins, are you listening?
The Anti-Legislation Proliferation Act of 2008
Having just received and persused my 700+ page copy of the Maine Legislative Service, containing all the tinkering our legislature has done with Maine's laws in just one session, I propose the following piece of legislation.
No new Act may be passed without the repeal of an existing Act of equal or greater length.
This will serve to:
1) Ensure that only really important crap gets made into law;
2) Weed out all the old and misguided crap on our books; and
3) Ensure that the Republic does not collapse under the weight of its own bureaucratic complexity after to many years of legislating without interruption.
No new Act may be passed without the repeal of an existing Act of equal or greater length.
This will serve to:
1) Ensure that only really important crap gets made into law;
2) Weed out all the old and misguided crap on our books; and
3) Ensure that the Republic does not collapse under the weight of its own bureaucratic complexity after to many years of legislating without interruption.
Welcome
Welcome to Mainefesto, where I shall comment upon things that I love, and things that I loathe, with my own particular magnificent perspective. Views expressed here are not necessarily those of my firm, my family, my country, or even myself. I will try to include items of particular note for lawyers and people curious about Maine.
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